For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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