ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
