Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
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don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
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there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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