i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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