Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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