Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
