WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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