the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
