I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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