I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
