did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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