i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
