You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
