if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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