woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
