I am puke
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
