hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
