The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
