I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
