I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
