made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
