so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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