Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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