Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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