fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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