dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
