good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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