Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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