I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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