i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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