WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
