when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
