just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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