pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
