All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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