Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
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