Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
