I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
