There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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