I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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