Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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