And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
