his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
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