I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
