..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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