last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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