She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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