I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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