I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
