The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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