he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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