Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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