Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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