I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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