I accidentally burped into my bong.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
