I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
