Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
