Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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