Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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